Insecurity

What is insecurity? It's an ever-present  state of hyper-vigilance, caused by emotional fear, that is amplified in personal, intimate relationships. Insecurity is a response to past wounds and hurts. The sufferer conditions themselves and their reactions in an effort to counteract these wounds. We call these coping strategies or defense mechanisms. An arsenal of coping strategies, designed to ensure survival, are developed according to the nature of personal experience.

Let's have an example:

Jane was abused as a child, verbally, emotionally and physically. She learns that her need for love and security will never be met by her primary care-giver. She learns that love equals . So she develops a hard outer shell, and emotional detachment. She emotionally detaches from her abuser, in a bid to protect her fragile self from the pain she experiences.

What happens next?

Jane grows up with the distorted belief that relationships hurt and are not safe. She believes that her needs will not be met by others. This all happens on a subconscious level. These are coping strategies which; often remain dormant, or less pronounced until she embarks on a new relationship. The beginning of the relationship is dreamy and rosy, you know the type, fairy-tale fodder. But as the relationship progresses, the associated triggers are re-activated, and thus the dormant behavioural patterns begin to play out in the dynamics of the relationship.

Let's have an example:

Jane has a series of relationships all of which break-down. Either, they abuse her thus repeating the abusive patterns of her primary model relationship, thereby re-enforcing her negative perception of all relationships. Or, she in-advertently orchestrates the breakdown of the relationship herself, by operating in a state of hyper-vigilance, watching and assessing her partner's every word, move or expression.This leads to hyper anxiety and the perception of problems that in reality may not be present in the relationship. But due to her conditioning she believes these problems to be very real. As a result, her behaviours destroy what could have been a very healthy relationship. Here we can see the cycle of self - fulfilling prophecy in action. She fears abandonment. This fear is so pervasive, that it dominates her reactions to stimuli in the relationship. She gets caught in the trap of her own making, her fears, shape her reality.

I will expand further on this topic in future posts.