Loneliness.

 I want to talk about loneliness. Why? because I am suffering. Today, I felt as if I could sleep forever, such was my desperation to avoid the excruciating pain of feeling truly alone. This is not 'transitional loneliness' as some psychologists call it, I think it is chronic. This loneliness has been mine since birth. And though I have spent my life trying to shake it, still it stays... Why?

I am somewhat of a Frankenstinian creation. A product of my environment and my own immature parenting. My childhood experience, was very deprived, and so I was left to shape and form myself according to the various cultural reflections available to me. Those that should have nurtured me, robbed me of all the things we take for granted in life. Basic needs such as a cuddle when you scrape your knee, or a hot meal, or feeling safe and secure, were never feelings that I had. As a child I would have nightmares and wake up frightened that the dream was true. My mother was always the figure in my dream.

My mother was my nemesis, my bully, my destroyer. Her main goal in life was to terrorize me and strip me of dignity and self-worth. I have to say she did her job very thoroughly. Even now, well into my twenties, I still suffer, from the conditioning of my childhood. This isn't a sob story, I don't want your tears, I just want to express and address problems I see all around me, in the very fabric of society. Unfortunately it requires a little self-disclosure. Insight, stems from personal experience. Many wise teachers have argued that Personal experience is the greatest tool to the acquirement of empathy. Through the pain of your own, you recognize the pain of others.

I have always wanted to write, but am scared of baring my soul to others. It is difficult to embrace the dark nature within myself, let alone baring the fragmentary nature of my soul to others. I have always been afraid that people would reject me once they see the 'real me'. This is something I think we can all relate to, the fear of our true self being rejected. I am a deep thinker by nature, drawn to philosophy and personal development, spiritual development, anything to do with the deeper questions pertaining to life.

I'm aware this post, a sort of informal introduction, is somewhat chaotic and unstructured. But to be honest its a relief to just write, without thinking, worrying or agonizing over every possible insight that can be gleaned of my character from this fumbling post. But if I stop to think, my mind will be captured in an arthritic grip. Contradictory considering I shared my beginnings albeit rather briefly, with your great selves.

But I digress, loneliness, a pervasive thing. It shackles your mind your emotions and disables your character. How much of loneliness can be attributed to your own behaviour? Do I court loneliness or does it court me? I have always been somewhat reclusive, often withdrawing from social functions. At times I feel heavily drained when exposed to people for too long. It depletes my energy. I am also very selective about who I open up to, or who I share my inner self with. I am protective. But perhaps this need to protect is the real cause of my current ailment.

I always worry that people will think I want to much, or that I am clinging on, and so I remain distant and wait for them, to come to me when they want. However I think this comes across as cold and uncaring. I am anything but. I am a sensitive soul and find that most people find my depth of feeling and thought, both neurotic and silly. For this reason, I withdraw. So perhaps I have already answered my question, it is I who perpetuates this cycle of loneliness. But what is more damaging, rejection or loneliness, I chose the latter and now cry when I see the fruits of my harvest. And here I will conclude. I have no more o say now. Until next time. But I will leave you with one thought, all thoughts are creations and will manifest, so think and create wisely.